SARCASM FOR DUMBNESS WILL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE TO LIVE

New place, new people, new experiences, new life, new bla bla bla; now wait… there’s something more waiting for you… it’s a cannon… and I call it ‘cannon of dumb questions’, and yes you need to answer them, coz shooting people for their dumbness is still a crime. And as it’s said ‘eye for an eye will make the whole world blind’ similarly ‘sarcasm for dumbness will make the world a better place to live’ (latter was not said by Gandhi of course).

Recently I shifted to a new place and then followed the mighty cannon of dumb questions. Since I am from Lucknow here are the few questions that totally push you to reply sarcastically;

1.  So you from the city of ‘tameez and tehzeeb’?

Yes, instead of polio drops we have Do boond tameez aur tehzeeb ke. Next time you pay a visit to this city just try overtaking a teenager and you’ll get a pocket dictionary of abuses complimentary.

2.  You are from City Montessori School; you must know this guy/girl?

Hey, this school literally has the world record of most Number of pupils. It’s like 90 times the population of Vatican City. Sure I know everyone of them, and I ‘am also batman.

3.  Are the nawabs still ruling your city?

(Someone actually asked this question, and no she wasn’t a blonde)

Good morning Rip Van Winkle, its 2014, we are a free country now.

4.  Do you people put ‘Aap’ before every phrase?

Yes we do, take for example ‘Aap chutiye hain’, see we have a natural and unique talent of making a phrase respectful and insulting at the same time.

(P.S. Mr. Kejriwal this is not about your party, and surely ‘isme BJP aur cong. Ka koi haath nahi hai’ _/\_)

5. Has Mayawati actually built her statues in Lucknow?

Yes, the lady is obsessed with selfies, deal with it; but hey who isn’t it’s trending these days. The only difference is her selfies cost crores of tax payers money, big deal. Who cares about mango people.

Go home, enough sarcasm and dumbness for the day.

Kill the cows... we are one hell of a democracy

Beef ban in Maharashtra and there is utter chaos across nation.

Let’s break the myth as to what beef means; the literal meaning as quoted in Wikipedia says

"Beef is the culinary name for meat from bovines, especially cattle. Beef can be harvested from cows, bulls, heifers or steers. Acceptability as a food source varies in different parts of the world."

Now, we are clear on the literal terms. Yes folks beef is not a synonym for cow. It continues to bother me as to why beef ban in Maharashtra trending so much; Good morning people, 24 out of 29 states in India have strict laws prohibiting slaughter of cows.

Now, the common opinion that arises is; why there is a ban on beef? it’s all RSS and something related to hindutva and India is a backward country and U.S is so cool it sells beef and all the boos and some more boos for the Government.

Yes, the government should also think about people, after all India is a democratic country. Cows give us milk, Played such an important role during operation flood in 1970s, used in many agricultural practices, so let’s kill them and eat them because we are one hell of a Democracy and BJP supports hindutva.

Some curiously democratic minds would think why a complete ban on beef, let’s leave it to people. Justified reason, completely justified. But first let’s have a look at some facts and figures. Last year India exported 1.8 million tonnes of beef and going by the figures and increase in export levels, India is all set to become largest exporter of beef. Subsidies are provided to slaughterhouses but not to those who tend cows. There are nearly 4000 registered slaughterhouses, which is not a big number if you see the size of our country, but then 25000 slaughter houses are unregistered, 6 times more than what seems on papers. Even if 10 bovines are slaughtered daily, then it sums up to loss of 250000 bovines on a daily basis, and more than 9 crores on yearly basis; and these figures are just for unregistered slaughter houses.

So what’s the big deal cows have helped us recover in 1970 by giving milk, now let’s kill them and make some profits again, after all we are we are one hell of democracy.

 Yes cow is a sacred animal among hindus and the government is that of BJP, but why give it religious angle. It’s not that government has banned non vegetarians, come on folks it’s 2015 we can hunt other animals for food; we must have some other alternative apart from bovines. Think people think, oh wait, we have sea food, we have lambs, we have chickens and what not. Let’s not behave like a stubborn child and start criticizing government over everything. I myself love beef but it’s not that if beef is banned then I would die of starvation or something. Yes government bans many other things that are not supposed to be banned but “Beef ban” is not one of them.

And then we parted... just to meet again.

If you haven't read my previous post then... never mind let me continue the story.

So different city, rather big city and I don't have her number or address or email id and she's not even active on Facebook.

Now, how do you contact a girl without all these above mentioned things, the answer is 'You can't', unless of course you are Liam Neeson (The Taken wala hero).

Months passed, still going on with my graduation and when I say graduation it covers everything apart from books, studies, lectures or college; Fucked up graduation sums up the scenario. 

Somewhere in my mind I knew it was a school thing and it's kind of over, but there was still a hope of somehow getting in touch with her again; Maybe or maybe not, whatever the case was, one thing was sure I was not over with her yet.

Days passed and passed and passed still no sign of her. Then one day suddenly in mid afternoon a call from an unknown number, for a moment there was a smile on my face it was Her, then I received the phone and she spoke "Aapko apna prepaid number postpaid mein change karwana hai?" #$#$%%#%$%&!#%@_______ I replied "nahi" and hung up the phone.

One fine day for reasons still unknown there was no signal on my mobile and this continued for hours so I switched with my old sim just to talk to my Mom, if you don't talk to your mom at the time she wants you to then don't be surprised to see your "missing" photo in newspapers. 

The moment I turned on the phone series of messages came bombarding, 99% were related to something something which obviously I didn't care about to see. One message that caught my attention was from an unknown number that said, "hi this is my new no.", was that her? I thought and thought and thought till I decided reply to the message or should I call. To message or to call or to message or to call, it was a Hamlet kind of situation. 

Then I decided I will call and won't say anything until I hear "hello" from other side and there goes the call "priya upbhokta balance kum hone k karan ye call poori nahi hosakti" %^^&*&%*&%%$#!@!#$____ finally I got the recharge done and called again, after few rings came sweetest voice of all time "Hi", and bingo it was her and we talked for sometime and talked some more and bit more and more... and what follows next maybe my next blog... as of now we are soon celebrate our sixth anniversary and many more to come in future.

And then we parted...

School over, it doesn't sounds as good as it used to be. Anyway point being I was free now. College life, more pocket money, complete independence and bla and bla and bla. One thing missing was that girl who was an year junior. Great freedom comes with a greater costs, and she was the cost I had to pay. Well I can put it in less dramatic way, there was no other option but to move to college because, I don't know how, but education board of India was convinced that I was eligible to pass 12th standard and it's time for me to move on.

Cleared 12th standard comfortably, check; Got admission in Delhi University, check; Not going for sucked up Engineering college, double check. Still 'She' was continuously on my mind. Something was not good about everything. I wanted her to some how clear her boards in advance, and I mean an year in advance and come to my college, take up arts and what not, but the scriptwriter was not Karan Johar but 'Life'.

Anyways college life was final and so was me going away from her. My second last day in city, I wanted to see her for a good bye. Now somehow every one will think why not call her and meet her, exchange phone numbers and be cool about it, here's the twist her phone remained with her mom; Yes we are still in India bitches, now suck it up. So instead I decided to stalk her after school. Now like a truly dedicated stalker I arrived at the location few hours before. And since we are in India stalking is never done alone but with a gang, now if there is a gang their is utter need of roaming aimlessly, and if you are young and you are roaming aimlessly then you need to do it at-least at a speed of 70 or 80 kmph and bamm!! happens my accident. Feat achieved, I am neither good at stalking nor riding aimlessly, which somehow seemed to be a bad thing then.

By the time that stupid doctor was done with Injections and medicines and dressing and excruciating pain in the ass lecture about life, She had already left for home. Depressed by the day I went back home just to hear more lectures from my mom. 

After all the antibiotics and bandages all I was capable of doing was 'nothing', so riding a bike to her house and waving her goodbye from a distance was completely out of question. How about texting her, but 'good bye' would reach her mother first, feeling completely crippled by the situation I thought it had to end like this in the most pathetic manner.

Next day my train arrived at the station, now wait, here's the part when two lovers get to meet each other, railway stations always tend to rock in love stories, but this is not a fucking romantic movie, I mentioned it above also, the train left and then we parted... plain and simple. Her number was changed later which I did not know, my number was changed which she did not know, Her family shifted to another city... 

But hey, good thing about life is' nothing ends this quickly, there's more to it... 

To be contd... 

Kaaki

Old but not too old, young but not too young, active but not too active; Kaaki; the sole provider of  traditional breakfast chai and sutta in the near proximity of our hostels (yes it means a lot to us). Everyone knows her and she knows everyone. Their is a permanent smile on her face as if she is doing some sort of social service, money or no money, you will be treated with equal hospitality.  

I Being an old victim of chai and sutta campaign kaaki knows me fairly well. This is how we usually conversate; she says something something in marathi to which i say something something in Hindi, we catch the keywords in sentence, then process the words and then reciprocate accordingly in our respective languages, sounds more technical than it actually is. But this is how Kaaki is, she conversates with every one.

I am a student of economics and we are taught several laws and theorems and jabber blabber about market and what not, Kaaki seems to negate each and every theory we are taught in books. Cutting chai and full chai are both equal in quantity, you can give either Rs.8 or Rs.10 depending on your own will, you can get things for free if Kaaki is in good mood, which most of the times she is, "jaa aish kar" is what you get to hear from her more often when you get free stuff. I have never seen such an entrepreneur in my entire life.

There are many questions that come in my mind when I see Kaaki. Firstly, does she gets enough profits to run the shop or is she some secret billionaire who runs small shop as a cover up business? Who's that young man in the photo that is hanging in her shop with garland around the frame, nearly the age of her son? How does she manage to stay happy all the time? but then I think some questions are better left unanswered.

One morning something strange happened, Kaaki was not there and she hadn't told me beforehand and it was also not a Sunday,(yes Sundays are off for Kaaki), damned by the habit I had to go to a bit far away shop for my traditional breakfast. Next day on meeting her again I asked her as to why a leave in mid week to which she replied "bhai marr gaya mera" and got sad for a moment, then smiled back and asked "tulaa chai paije kaa". 

A lesson well learnt today 'life goes on'.